CLOSED Jaycall and Redstar's Conversation

Switch wrote:Jaycall glanced at Sleetcoat who in turn nodded in greeting, but the look in the older warrior's eyes stated that he probably wasn't going anywhere.
Jaycall could accept that. "It's about the Clan. And you, Redstar." Jaycall noted how Sleetcoat appeared to come to a conclusion in his head, and he slowed to allow the two a measure of privacy.

Redstar stiffened at Jaycall's words. "What about me," he said with some difficulty.

Jaycall was feeling confident. "It's about how you've been acting, Redstar," he meowed cautiously but firmly as though he was speaking to a hysterical cat that could bolt at any moment. "How you've been...holding yourself around the Clan..."

Redstar sighed through gritted teeth. He'd somewhat figured that this was what Jaycall had meant to talk to him about. "It can wait; we have a battle to fight," he meowed firmly.

Jaycall shook his head. "That's why this is so important, Redstar," he stressed his words. "It can't wait. You need to listen."

Redstar scoffed. "I'm Clan leader, Jaycall," he meowed. "If I say I'm fine, the I am fine. There is no need for conversation." Or was there? No, he insisted to himself. No there was not.

"Redstar," the gray tom groaned. "You've been different. Different since we came back from the Willow; I can guess why."

Redstar gave his nephew a sidelong look. (How old had Redstar's sister been when she'd had him? He couldn't remember.) "Save it, Jaycall," he stressed the tom's name. "What does it matter if I'm different - different's what we need, isn't it? We're no longer rebels hiding out in the ice, we're a real Clan. So enough." Redstar picked up the pace.

OOC: Get ready for da thunda.

Jaycall snorted in frustration. He followed Redstar quickly, his thick neck fur bristling.
"Are we, Redstar?" he hissed. "Are we a real Clan with a real leader who performs his duties instead of hiding and moping every day?" He scoffed. "You've barely touched your duties aside from speaking at a Gathering and a single ceremony, and even then you procrastinated and practically had to be convinced. You've become ice! You speak to anyone unless you want to scream and argue. You've shown little interest in everything aside from your own feelings! Redstar," his tone took a pleading edge, "You can't carry on like this! We can't carry on like this! What the hell is it that's bothering you?" The tom's amber eyes were wide and searching, but he already had a very good idea.
He knew that something had been bothering Redstar; any fool could see it. Sure, Jaycall had never been very close to Redstar even when he was deputy, but he was fed up with Redstar's attitude...and he had things he wanted to say.
"Cats vanished - yeah!" He got closer to Redstar. "Sorry to prod such a touchy subject, but Redstar, four cats vanished," he enunciated. "You wouldn't guess since you never bring it up. That's all anyone seems to do around here: keep their mouths shut. Clan reflects leader.
Four cats vanished in the night, one of whom was your apprentice; Thornstar, Foxclaw and Skyecho died when we took back DarkClan, but do you hear about them? No! Those Mud-cats attacked, killed Smokepelt (who also is falling into obscurity), and blinded Lightningpelt, who I know is your friend, yet you haven't spoken to her since we returned to DarkClan! And did you hear? Gingerleaf ALSO went missing, and around the same time as the four for no obvious reason whatsoever, but no one cares." Jaycall's gray tail lashed in anger. "YES, Bluepaw, Icepaw, Blackfire, and Mistlight are gone," he spat their names like breaking a curse, "but there was no sign of a battle, so they may still come back and explain themselves, and maybe they'll bring Gingerleaf back with them! You're concerned about your sister Blueblossom, right?" He laughed helplessly - something very out of character for the usually calm, perceptive warrior - and shook his head. "You'd think she didn't exist since all that's ever brought up are the kits with her - Skyecho's kits - , if ever. You think I don't know how it feels? My own sister is missing." His expression drooped. "But no one cares," he meowed simply and sadly. "Everyone's happy Robinsong's gone..." Everyone except for me. My littermate, where are you?

His expression hardened again. "Your silence and apathy is costing DarkClan. Did you even think to speak with your senior warrior when choosing cats to scout ahead?" He laughed bitterly. "No, not a word. You led us better at the 'Willow. Redstar, you were a better leader when we were hiding as traitors." A fair moon of emotion was pouring out of Jaycall and he didn't care to stop it. "When did you stop trusting us? How can you be our leader when you don't even trust the Clan you stand for? There are some amazing cats in this Clan and you're turning you back on them. If you don't trust us to hear your thoughts, then how can you trust us with your life in battle? Or ours with you? If not then the battle is hopeless..."

The gray warrior found that he'd discovered an end to his words. Now he could only breathe, and wait for Redstar's response. Jaycall's fur was still very bristled and he could hear his heart in his ears because of his rage.
StarClan, he prayed, make him see sense.

Redstar was taken aback by Jaycall's sudden outburst. He felt rage not at being accused of shirking his duties as a leader, but instead for the undeniable truth behind the words. The validity of the accusation bit into Redstar's heart like a great viper, dragging his spirit down further and inflaming his anger.
 "You don't have the right," he spat. "You can't speak to me, not this way, and not about Skye-" his voice broke, coming out as a hard 'K" instead and he stopped to catch his breath. He stopped walking and closed his eyes for a moment. Redstar opened his eyes and resumed walking, though he walked slower. His voice low and calmer, he hissed, "What do you expect me to do? Nothing has been the same. Thornstar did die, alright? Yes, he died. Damn it, Jaycall, Thornstar died!" He shook his head, voice filled with grief. "He wasn't supposed to die! He was supposed to..." He shook his head again. "I don't know! It was supposed to be better! But Thornstar's dead now - he was killed right in front of me, and I couldn't do anything! And Skyecho," the one name was filled with infinite agony, "Skyecho, nothing was meant to happen to her least of all." His eyes brimmed with grief. "Everything has gone wrong, don't you see? The deaths at the 'Willow - Mistlight and my own apprentice vanished, and I don't know why. Then we came back, and there was just more death.  I know no one can rely on me - I can't even rely on myself. Everything's gone wrong." He shook his head once again. "Thornstar wasn't supposed to die. I failed him. I don't expect you to understand how I feel. The sadness I have inside..." His head hung as he walked. "I can't do anything. I want to, but I can't. I'm not worth it. Thornstar and Skyecho are dead. Blueblossom's gone. Mistlight and Icepaw are gone. I can't do a damn thing. You don't get it. Everything I sacrificed, everything I did to try and make things better went wrong. Thornstar told me to just get over everything, and I thought it would help but it didn't! I failed him, I failed everyone! I just...what am I doing?" Redstar didn't look at Jaycall as he spoke, just staring at his paws and dead ahead, going back and forth between the two.

Jaycall was quiet when he meowed, "I 'don't get it?' Redstar - he was my father." He walked in silence for fix or six paces. His voice held weary hostility. "We all made sacrifices, following you out into he cold. I left my parents. My sister. My life and career. It wasn't just you. It was all of us. You need to remember that." Jaycall glanced at Redstar from the corner of his blue eyes. "You're right. Nothing turned out as expected. I doubt anyone could have foreseen Thornstar's decision to ally himself with those foreign cats. I certainly didn't. Or the foxes wandering so far through the Frost Forests. But that was what we signed up for, Redstar. Or at least that's what I signed up for." He looked at Redstar pointedly.
What else could have Redstar expected at the time? He was leading a group of warriors out and away from DarkClan territory to get away from what he perceived to be corrupt and unreachable leadership, with the intention of us returning and taking over... Jaycall thought about it and suddenly noticed how sh!t most of Redstar's plans were. Jaycall went because he was angry at Robinsong. He deeply regretted it. That argument was the last time he'd seen his sister. Tensions had been running high in the Clan, especially within Jaycall's own family; his father was losing his sanity, his mother had recently given birth, he and his sister hadn't been getting on as well as they could...
It had been easier to leave.
But Jaycall had still understood what he'd been getting into when he followed the then-Redfall out of DarkClan territory and away from everything he knew.
But had Redstar? Obviously not, the way Redstar was talking now.

Returning to the conversation after a lengthy in-thought backstory explanation which was really just a meaningful pause in conversation he hissed quietly, "Just because something went wrong doesn't mean you just give up, succumb to this 'sadness inside you.' You don't have that luxury as Clan leader. Thornstar was a wise cat before he wasn't. If he says you need to get over it," taking in stride that his dead father had spoken to Redstar, "then, respectfully, you should get over it. Because, honestly, no one thinks you failed. Everyone's just confused as to why you're suddenly not interested in them. Especially the cats who stayed with Thornstar - many of them don't have a clear idea of who you are since some were young when we left; and you never talked to the Clan, the entire Clan, about why we left and then came back and suddenly there was a new leader. Everyone's confused. Aimless, like you. And angry because of it, angry because apprentices sneak off into the forest because they have nothing better to do, angry because patrols aren't sent out on time or as often as they should be. Stop expecting sympathy! You haven't earned it. You have a responsibility to DarkClan. You asked us if we trusted you - well, maybe you should trust us."
He paused.
"What is it that you intend to do? I'd like to know before you dive-bomb another big decision."

OOC: Now complete!

Redstar's cold sorrow was burned away by more anger tinged with damp guilt. Yes, he'd been waiting for sympathy from Jaycall - Great StarClan, he'd just poured his heart out to the younger warrior - but he also wondered who between the two of them actually deserved sympathy more.

But...what was it that he intended to do? They were heading to the Bloodstones for the Gathering - or was it for a battle? Bringing the entire Clan? Be like the great Firestar? Firestar was a martyr and a kittypet, he thought darkly.
"I don't know," he meowed quietly. It had been to himself, and he hadn't been sure if he'd meant to say it aloud.

What is it I intend to do? The thought blew away all other points of the full conversation (perhaps he'd return to it another time.), and now all he felt was that this was the only important thing. Was it the right way to think? Should the pain have just vanished like that? Probably not - but what did he intend to do?
He did not know.
He was leading his Clan to its end. Redstar could see it, in that moment - a shadow made of blood and many cats came rushing out over red cliffs and consumed the light - many cried out in agony but he could do nothing. A great red leaf suffocating a kit - a great gust of wind - the weak saving the strong (why the Moon, the open skies, a robin with a hawk's talons?) - thorns amidst flames - a blue flower springing from the snow and a sense of safety - Hope splitting from the dark so it was weakened when the attack came - as though he were leading the charge right over a cliff.

The vision struck him with horror.

Great StarClan.

Why was he Clan leader? What had he done to deserve it? He had overthrown Thornstar and he wasn't there and Thornstar died because of that. No one else knew Redstar's thoughts, no one was aware of any plan he had, for all they knew he knew what he intended - but he did not!

"We need to stop," Redstar meowed sharply, feeling the panic one felt with lack of preparation and forethought. "Everyone needs to stop -" He looked back at DarkClan. "DarkClan," he turned and yowled to them, standing his ground. "Halt!"

Redstar looked back at Jaycall. "I knew what I was doing in the Frost Forests," he conceded in a far less panicked tone, much closer to his old self than ever before. "You're right - I was a better leader then. I could think a thought and gather everyone together and we would speak for hours on it. Back home it's different. I feel that we've lost that, or I just don't know how to take the change. But...I feel as though I've lost everyone, Jaycall. That everyone's loyalties have changed because of the change in context - Rebellion to Clan. And somewhere I lost hope - but I can see that now. I can see that we need hope or we will never survive. Jaycall - we must stop."

Great StarClan, I thought. I've been avoiding StarClan. But no more. I will lead my Clan, and I will do what I must do, whatever the cost.

OOC: Mousefur looks like a DarkClan cat... EEEEHHHH!!!! 
I'm reusing the vision Mistlight had.

COMPLETE!!!!                    

Jaycall's blue eyes widened in surprise, his heart swelling with hope. Was Redstar finally coming to his senses? It certainly seemed like it!
"Redstar, what now," he asked with excitement. "What are we doing now?"

Redstar looked at Jaycall, his amber eyes calm and steady, contrasting Jaycall's excitement.
"We're going to form a plan," he meowed plainly, a slight smile on his lips. "Come on!" He took off towards DarkClan, the faint traces of hope beginning to form in his heart.

OOC: I'm out.

Jaycall watched his leader run towards the host. He was reminded of the days spent in the Frost Forests, of the enthusiasm and exhilaration that was often felt by everyone even if they were hiding from their own Clan. There we were more Clan than ever before... Perhaps we will be again. Jaycall smiled softly before bringing back his cool mask.
He himself had a role to play in this Clan - and he would keep playing it until the day he died.
Jaycall quickly loped after Redstar, ready to embrace the future of DarkClan - in DarkClan.

OOC: I'm done.